One Smart Wife…?

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a=2 03 day weekend”…..

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up…

‘Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..’

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You’ll love the answer.

The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box”.

There were these 4 Cats…

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘Coffee Break, do your stuff.’
Coffee Break jumped to his feet…….
ate the cookies………
drank the milk……..
sh*t on the paper……..
screwed the other three cats…….
claimed he injured his back while doing so…….
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions…….
put in for Workers Compensation…………….and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………….

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Author Unknown
Actually, that really pretty much sums up our government!

Note: Please understand that this website, in no way, was referring to the present Obama administration. However, there are those still within the government that are in bed with previous administrations. Obama truely was passed down a hornet’s nest and he must be facing many “stings” as he wades through the mess.

Golfer Takes His Pants Off to Golf

Henrik Stenson, Sweden, No Bogies today, Wins it by 4, at The Players Championship.
Photo shows: Stenson playing golf almost in the BUFF at Doral Golf Resort, Fla.

You never know who you’re messin’ with…

Posted to Craig’s List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 A M EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize. I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the D A ‘s office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky..

– Alex

P.S. Remember this motto…… an armed society is a polite society!

We all need some humor now and then…

A Story About Getting Even

One rainy March day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible. Skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.

We didn’t know what to call her so we named her ‘Pussycat.’

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her. My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.’ He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the Vet ‘El-Charge-O’.? They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ‘Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a Rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’ Then he closed the door.

THAT IS GETTING EVEN…………….

Just some friendly blonde humor floating around…

T-G-I-F ~vs~ S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there
was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,
‘T-G-I-F.’

He smiled at her and replied, ‘S-H-I-T.’

She looked puzzled and repeated, ‘T-G-I-F,’ more slowly.

He again answered, ‘S-H-I-T.’

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled
her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, ‘T-G-I-F.’

The man smiled back to her and once again, ‘S-H-I-T.’

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain….
‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, Duuhhh?’

The man answered, ”S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s
Thursday —
Duuhhh!’

Daily Mission To Annoy You…

An Atheist Is Entitled To His/Her Own Beliefs

This is posted as humor, but the TITLE is not meant to be humorous.
The Title is a FACT.

“An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord. Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

Moral of the story…no matter what your beliefs are, be careful what you ask for. 🙂

Author Unknown